I think I'm better.
And then I don't.
Words, visuals, mistakes - they all end up beckoning heaviness.
At least I'm not cutting anymore. The urge is still there but I've managed to... control, I guess. I don't want to do it anymore. I don't like the scars it leaves on my arm, even though they're small and faint. But I still see them, as clear as a fresh wound. And I hate myself for harming myself, which makes me want to punish [harm] myself even more, which I hate because why am I so cruel to myself. I hate it I hate it I hate it. It's all a cycle and I want a quick fix but there isn't any. And I'm so tired.
I'm scared of feeling better. Because that means the fall is coming. It always happens. I no longer hope for brighter days because the dark follows. And some how that has turned into dread?
And I'm in such a weird place. My brain is. And my heart. I'm holding back my tears. Not consciously. I can feel the cries in my throat. It's sour. It hurts my throat. But the tears, they don't fall. They just hover. Something else is holding me back from releasing them. Perhaps I've just cried so much over the past... year.
Wow.
A year.
Of this.
I'm. So. Tired.
My body doesn't want me to cry anymore. And it hurts from holding back feelings and building walls and locking gates and temporary distractions. I can foresee a great big crash. The Great Depression 2. Get it.
Drifting drifting drifting.
Floating floating floating.
I'm... tired of crying alone. At night. In the dark.
I wish I could express this in front of others. But I'm too used to pretending. And sometimes it feels real, like I'm really fine. Fake it till you make it, right? Until I'm alone. I haven't made it.
I... don't understand. Why. My brain is doing this to me. I don't understand why it won't stop.
I don't understand why... because of One person. I'm now like this. I mean, she was the cherry on top. It was tolerable before. I could cope. Now I can't. But I don't even care about her anymore. Or at least I don't think I do. No, I don't care anymore. Yet somehow. Triggers.
It'll be easier if I could pour out the contents of my brain instead of trying to wrestle thoughts into coherent sentences.
Oh would you look at that. Two tear drops.
My brain hurts. My heart aches. It's ACHES. It's heavy. Everything is heavy.
And then it's all numb and hollow.
And I'm scared. That I'll be like this forever.
And I have so much to be grateful for. Which makes it all worse. I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I! Hate! Myself!
Another drop.
It's so stupid. Everything is stupid.
I really want to run into a wall over and over and over again. I would, if I was immune to pain. After all, it's pain that kills us. Ever watched Deadpool?
I'm. So. Angry. I'm so angry.
I'm so angry.
At myself.
