I did a courageous thing on Thursday........
I......... (Although I feel strongly against this term) came out to my aunt yesterday.
And.........
I was absolutely terrified.
I wasn't afraid of her response because she's such a liberal and open-minded person, I knew she would've understood.
I just was simply terrified.
It never does get easier - "coming out", that is. No matter how certain you are that the recipient will react positively, it is still a mind fucking terrifying process to go through.
It took me ages to get to my actual point. The thing is, it wasn't a want. It was a need. I needed to tell someone in my family. I needed a family member to know. So I could at least come out of the shadows just a little and bathe in the warmth of the slight sun ray I was allowed. And it was my aunt I chose, simply because I trusted her. Besides being understanding, I knew she would keep our conversation completely confidential without even needing me to request her to do so.
I didn't even plan how I was going to state my point. She could tell how nervous and anxious I was and passed me a stuffed cat to hug while I tried to mumble out any sort of sense. Eventually, I got there and it was such a positive and warm and lovely and sweet experience.
I cried.
She understood.
I confided my worries to her.
She listened.
Afterwards I just felt so relieved that I did it. I thank my lucky stars for having such a wonderful aunt like her. Words can't explain how nice it was to be able to confide in a family member. Because I had never been able to do that. She's probably the only one I trust in my entire family. I trust her more than my parents.
I wish I could trust, confide in my parents. But unfortunately we did not develop that sort of parent-child relationship. Which has caused me so much lack in emotional support over some of my most crucial years of growing up, including this very current year. I have this huge emotional void that needs to be filled, which is an issue that has caused me so many problems in my department of mental health. But that's just another complicated matter altogether. Linked, but still a separate issue.
Anyway, I was and still am really really proud of myself for doing that yesterday. Those who needn't go through anything similar to this will never understand the amount of courage it takes.
To those who have gone through similar experiences, I am proud of you for standing up for yourself, for taking one step closer to being completely comfortable in your own skin. Well done.
For those who have yet to do anything like that because they are unable to due to the environment or current situation that they are in or anything, hang in there, you are so strong, and I am proud of you too.
Baby steps. No hurry. Take it in your own time. Everyone is different. There is no pressure.
Love is love.
