How Dare You

I feel a little mad today. I feel bitter. 

How dare you. How dare you touch my heart with no intention of staying. I gave you so much. I gave you my heart and you took it and left with it. How dare you.

How dare you fill me with hope with no intention of fulfilling them. 

How. Dare. You. 

Though of course everything you did to hurt me was unintentional. I know that. So how dare I. 

How dare I fall for all that. How dare I do this to myself. And you’re probably carrying on with your life like normal, completely unharmed, leading a better life even. But here I am, shattered and trying desperately to piece myself back together. 

How is that fair. 

How dare you. 

How dare I. 

And every time I try to turn it into anger and hate, I can't. I don’t hate you at all, so very much the opposite. Which means I just feel sad and hurt and unwanted and stupid. 

I keep trying to repress the pain and it works. For awhile. Then I'm walking alone and everything just resurfaces and I feel like my insides are dying and I don't have the heart to walk or function because you haven't returned it. 

For the past few days I have not failed to cry when I’m walking either to or from home. The tears keep falling though I’m fighting. But I’m also struggling. And god I am so fucking exhausted. Mentally, emotionally. I am tired. I just want the pain to go away. I want to be okay again. I want to be happy.

How can I be hollow and heavy at the same time. Yet somehow that's exactly how I feel.

I Don't Miss You

"I don’t miss you.
I don’t miss you. I don’t miss how we used to talk every day, all day. I don’t miss how easy it used to be between us. I don’t miss how I’d tell you even the most random, ridiculous event that happens to me. I don’t miss telling you about my dreams. I don’t miss that you knew how to cheer me up when no one else could. I don’t miss how you always found something funny to say to make a bad situation a little better. I don’t miss how we understood each other so well, we didn’t need to talk to know what went on through the other’s mind. I don’t miss your hug. I don’t miss your company. I don’t miss you. Except that I am lying. I totally and utterly miss you."

Life Update

Went through a break up on Valentine's Day - mental health started declining.

Came out to my parents a week later - mental health continued declining.

Unable to perform the simplest every day tasks, such as getting out of bed in the morning, showering, eating, sleeping, it was taking a toll on my University life.

Never found dance classes and essay writing as difficult as I ever have - mental health continued declining.

I cried a lot. I also repressed a lot.

I ate little. I also slept little.

Cutting to the truth, I wanted to die.

Life was too much. Life is too much. I was hurting every where internally and I couldn't stop the pain. I wanted out.

Finally decided to take a deep breath of courage and reached out for professional help. That is still in progress. Fingers crossed that change will start to happen.

I'm better now - in terms of eating and accepting the break up.

I still want to die sometimes. At least once a week. I still feel heavy and hollow and alone. I still feel like I'm a burden to the world. I still feel like I don't belong anywhere. I still feel the pain. And I still want out.

But I am strong. And I am determined to fight this. I want to get better.

It's just hard.

Because I Love You

"I realised I loved you when I decided to be willing and mature to watch you start over to bloom again although you hurt me once. I realised I loved you when I couldn't resent you and hate you but instead take in those little moments we have left. I reaslied I loved you when even though I know we can't be together right now, I'm willing to be by your side as a close friend and not back out. But I also realised it's not the end of the world when you hurt me once. I realised that this does not stop me from living my life but to find myself, who I am and what I want. I realised if we're not meant to be lovers in the future, then we're meant to be friends. And guess what? I'm okay with that."