"Time won't fly it's like I'm paralysed by it. I try to be my old self again but I'm still trying to find it."
- Taylor Swift; All Too Well
They say "move on" "get over her" "she's not worth it". I'm fucking trying but it's not as easy as it seems. It's not easy at all. It's so fucking hard. And it's so much harder when I'm alone in a place where she touched. Where we made memories together. Everywhere I look, she is there. Even in fucking Paris. When I went to Paris, there it was, her name in bold, as if to haunt me. To taunt me.
This pain is excruciating and I haven't stopped bleeding. It's not like I can take a pill for heartache, heartbreak. It's not like I can place a plaster over my heart to stop the bleeding. I can't. The pain is so internal, so emotional, so raw and real. It's so difficult to describe it to someone who has never experienced it before. Let me just tell you, it's underrated. Heartbreak is underrated.
I am tired, so tired, from sleepless nights and sobbing cries, alone in my room. I'm pleading - someone please take away this pain. Please. It is destroying me. It really is. I've lost my sunshine. Even my mother said so: "You've always been such a happy child. Darkness isn't natural in you." Yet all I feel now is darkness. I am buried in darkness. I want to be happy again, desperately so. But I can't find my footing to climb out of this well.
There are only 2 people who can make me happy again. Her. And myself. Well we all know there's only one possible option. How can I help myself though; when it is myself that is killing me.
Did she bring the darkness into my life and chained it to me when she left? Or did I invite darkness in by letting myself trust her.
I believe she meant well. I know she meant well. So it wasn't her. It must have been me. I did this to myself. I let myself be consumed by hope and love when in actual fact, I was falling into the trap of the devil himself. Happiness and love is a trap. It doesn't exist. Not for me.
All I want is to love and be loved in return. A relationship where feelings are reciprocated. I know I'm only young and there's possibly other chances for me in the future. But this pain has me frightened. I fear about getting hurt again. I don't want to go through this again as I'm afraid I won't survive it the second time round. I'm barely even surviving this time round.
Oh The Script, how relatable is your song 'Breakeven'. The lyrics can't be truer or more relatable. "I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing." Indeed. I'd much rather be fucking dead. But my parents. I can't do that to them. So here I am. Slowly suffocating away. Existing, but not living.
