But

Don't fucking tell me to 'be happy', that I determine my own happiness, that happiness isn't a destination.

I can't just fucking 'be happy'. As if I don't already know that my own happiness is up to me. Happiness is a fucking destination for me. It's a place that I want to be at but I just fucking can't, not at the very moment.

It's hell of a lot easier to say it.

You don't know what goes on in my head half of the time, you don't know how I fucking feel most of the time.

A mask is all I ever wear and sometimes I get so fucking tired of it.

The reason why I keep it all within me is because of everyone else. I don't want to unload my tonne of crap onto another body, they don't deserve that. Nobody really cares. I'm being serious. Humans are selfish by nature, we only ever care about ourselves. When one gets too difficult to deal with, they get cast aside.

It's funny how initially, people ask about you, people care. But subsequently, when they realise that your issues aren't temporary, they stop caring, they stop feeling concerned. They think you're just dragging it out. "Oh there she goes again."

See, so it's better to keep everything to yourself and wear that fucking mask.

I want to be better. I really do.

I know at the end of the day, it's all up to me. But I just need someone to hand me a map so I can find the right direction again.

"Reach out for help then."

Yeah.

I want to.

But I'm so fucking scared.

Whatever.

Rant over.

I Would, If

Should I be worried that the bad bad thoughts are reappearing again.

If I could ensure that my parents would be fine and that the process would be physically painless, then I would do it. I would end it.

End it all.

End the fucking mess that's overflowing in my brain.

I'm Fine

I find it extremely uncomfortable when people ask me "How are you?" or "Are you okay?".

Because...

People never expect or want to hear the honest answer. It's just a greeting question. They're expecting a "I'm fine/ great".

But I've also always felt uncomfortable lying. If I was going to be honest, I would say, "Truthfully, I'm not doing so well."

But I hardly ever answer with the truth. Because what would the other party do with my truth? They'll just be taken aback by my bluntness, feel uncomfortable and awkward, not knowing how to respond. Some people would reply "Oh why not? What's wrong?"

Now, how the hell am I supposed to answer that. I wouldn't know what to say. Everything's wrong in my life and I'm a mess - where would I start. They wouldn't want to hear all that. The conversation would just turn heavy and I would turn annoying.

So I use lying and avoidance.

"I'm fine."

Giver, Not Receiver

I give and give and give and give.

What do I get in return?

Nothing equivalent.

Am I expecting too much? Probably. But I'm just simply tired of putting everyone else before myself and then having no one there for me. Or for people to push me away after they've finished with me.

I'm never ever ever anyone's first choice. Yet I would drop the entire world for a lot of people.

I often wonder why this is how it is.

I love helping people, I love being there for people, please don't get me wrong. But it'll be nice if someone's here for me too.

I need a constant in my life. For so many years it's been full of uncertainties. People come and go. My environment's always changing. For someone with anxiety, it's not comforting at all. I need a constant, someone who I can always rely on.

I know I can be super dependent and clingy but when I get attached, I'll give you my all. I would give up anything if you need me to.

I just wish I had somebody who'd do the same for me.